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| Within 5 minutes of leaving school/work, this is my sweet view. |
As far as journeys go, today has been an upward climb. This day started with tears for me, just not looking forward to going to work with Maggie. Sounds awful, but just speaking reality.
I told the Lord on the way to work what I envisioned is different than what our experience has been.
Maggie lived within 3 rooms the first two years of her life. She wasn't taken outside because they didn't have enough help to take 7-10 one-year-olds out. So, in my bubble world, I thought that when she saw everything that we have for her, everything offered to her at Playschool (where I work), she would want to jump right in. And that is not what is happening. She is choosing to be loved on, rather than to play; being held over toys. Imagine that. Our most basic need. To be loved.
For Maggie, she was cared for, but not much with physical touch. So, we are filling that cup up for her. But to be honest, it takes a toll on me. I LOVE our Maggie Mei. Love, love, love her. But as far as attachment goes, it is me she adores and wants the most attention from.
I keep asking the Lord, 'why is it that some days I feel too tired to be needed so much?' Simple answer? Because I am not God.
Scripture says in Isaiah 40 that God never grows tired or weary. NEVER. I can't hardly keep my eyes open past 9p. And my awesome husband has picked up all my slack today b/c I have been so weepy. It's hard to fathom never being tired or weary.
One of my favorite songs right now is by Bethel Church, called One Thing Remains. (look it up on youtube if you haven't heard it) "His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me." I could sing that all day long. I think the 'never runs out on me' is what my mind smiles at so often. Or maybe 'never gives up'. It's a toss-up. Either way, I say to my God, Thank you Jesus. Thank you for being so incredibly big and awake. I so need You!
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| Her hair is finally thick enough for a pony-tail! |
Shari,
ReplyDelete"He gives strength to the weary", and you are weary which is 100% understandable! As you work and hold Maggie and wash a couple of dishes and hold Maggie, and feel your energy slipping away and hold Maggie, God will give you His strength (your manna for that moment). He also has said he "is close to those who have young" because he knows how exhausting it is to be a Mommy of a child He created to hold and hug and love and pour into even when it doesn't feel like there is anything left. You are growing too, Shari and you are doing a wonderful job at the most important job on the face of the earth...being Mommy!
Love and prayers,
Andrea B.